Beached Whale Rescue Averted

On October 23, 2019, a female baby well beached herself on Samoa Beach. Dawn Goley of Humboldt State stood guard over the whale named Cuddles to prevent crazy onlookers from attempting a rescue. Goley became frightened of the crowd of 8 mainly consisting of crying women with children on hip. The crowd apparently overloaded the Professor's brain with human emotions and she called 911. 

Sheriff Honsal arrived with a SWAT team and quickly changed the emotional tone of the crowd to fear for their own safety which relieved Goley.   

Goley composed herself and explained "while most beached whales can be rescued, rescuing Cuddles would alert the national press who we definitely do not want here in Humboldt." One onlooker argued Florida rescued 5 full grown whales who beached themselves. Goley responded by rolling her eyes and explaining "Florida is full of rednecks."  The inquisitive onlooker was arrested for disorderly conduct and the scene was secured. 

The Sheriff placed a tent over Cuddles then mercifully euthanized her. The tent was removed and HSU professors chopped Cuddles apart with machetes while uneducated onlookers shrieked in horror.  

Disclaimer: AP has not reviewed this story for accuracy. Quotations not yet verified.